11-UpadESam
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https://www.rasikas.org/forums/viewtopic.php?p=202721#p202721
by arasi »
ELEVEN
UpadESam
(Counsel)
The moon had risen early. We were at the beach as usual. I had made friends with Padmavathi, the daughter of Sankara Chettiar (another wealthy man like Ponnu Murugesam Pillai in Puduvai--Editor's note). The group now consisted of my mother, Chellamma, my sister, Thangamma, Padmavathi, Meena and me. My father had chest pain that day and my mother stayed back. Bharathi and Iyer saw us as they were walking back from Arabindo's house. Iyer did not want to intrude on us but Bharathi came to speak to us. "Do you mind if I join you?", he asked.
Chellamma: All the children here are our children. Padmavathi too.
Bharathi: I don't see Yadugiri much these days. She seems to be absorbed in the girls circle, it seems.
Chellamma: Don't you know? She's getting married in Chitthirai (the month of April). Her parents are very keen. When Yadugiri goes to live with her in-laws, she cannot move with men freely. So, she's learning to be a docile young woman.
Bharathi: Has the date been fixed?
Yadugiri: I don't know, my grandmother is making all the arrangements. Amma says, 'but for Iyer and Bharathi, you shouldn't talk to any other men, now that you're getting married'.
Chellamma: Yadugiri has been brought up like a boy until now. It's going to be difficult for her to get adjusted to life in her new home. This way, she can get used to it, little by little.
Bharathi: Chellamma, she's still so young. Srinivasachari is an old-fashioned man. He wants to perform a doll's wedding of an innocent child!
Chellamma: SAstrAs say that brahmin girls should be married off by the age of nine.We wait longer these days because it's not easy to find the right match.
Bharathi: Chellamma, there is no end to traditions and SastrAs! Why don't you go ahead and arrange a marriage for Thangam--another meaningless doll's wedding?
Chellamma: My sister brought her up. She'll take care of it.
Bharathi: Yadugiri, you're going to find yourself in another world!
Chellamma: Why do you say that? She'll be back here every now and then.
Bharathi: Chellamma, after she gets married, I can't move freely with Yadugiri. I may need her husband's permission!
Chellamma: There's no need to be concerned about it now. She isn't even married!
Bharathi: Yadugiri is our adopted child. Still, If I go to her new home to see her, they might say, 'some vaDaman (Iyer) is here, and why should you talk to him?' Yadugiri, you have just known the one world you were brought up in. You're going to an entirely different one where they follow hundred year-old rules. Here, in our homes, we are free. That was why our families ended up here, leaving behind our home towns. It may take another thirty years before every family lives like ours. Until then, you have to go along with those traditions.
Chellamma: Don't frighten her. You sound as if she's being taken to a prison!
Bharathi: She does not know of the hurdles, stupid traditions and servitude that exist out there. Nowadays, in our caste, young couples may live on their own, it seems. It's not happening in the MaNDayam community.
Chellamma: I'm the only one who has come away from my family--it has been five years now.
Bharathi: It used to be so with us, Chllamma. Not any more! I noticed it in Tirunelveli yesterday. Joint family is not a strictly observed tradition now. Yadugiri, are you happy about this match?
Yadugiri: I don't know. Whatever Aiyya and Amma say. They will make the decision. Even with them, they follow what my grandmother says. What is there for me to say?
Bharathi: Have they found the boy? Have you seen him?
Yadugiri: I haven't seen anyone. We have letters from several families. Amma says one thing, pATTi another about these matches and AiyyA says to them, 'You two come to a decision and then let me know.' That's all I know.
Bharathi: This sounds like our marriage. The new trend is to get married to an educated woman. It appeals to the boys, it seems. Is it happening in your community at all?
Yadugiri: No, they haven't given up their old ways. Women are tutored at home. Just a few officials have started sending their girls to schools.
Bharathi: So, the wedding date is not far off. When the husband is by your side, everything else will fade away. Don't forget this poor father of yours, Yadugiri!
Yadugiri: Is it ever possible for me to forget you! What if you are poor! Your poetry is richer than anything else. Yesterday, Iyer said, 'why can't we call Bharathi kaviarasar (the king of poetry)? Bharathiyare, wealth is easily lost but your poetry will stay forever.
Bharathi: Yadugiri, If I have Sishyais like you, I don't even need to publish my poetry! You know all my songs by heart! Chellamma, on one of the days of Yadugiri's marriage celebrations, I want to sing a concert of patriotic songs. That's going to be our gift to her. When we see better times, we will buy her an unforgettable present!
Chellamma: Your heart is bigger than this ocean! When luck knocks at our door, we can give the best possible gift to Yadugiri!
Yadugiri: What can be a better gift than your singing at my wedding? On top of it, since Aiyya isn't feeling well at all these days, Iyer and you have to lend a hand in organizing the wedding. Hard work, I'm afraid!
Bharathi: You don't have to worry about that. We'd happily help. I know we won't be allowed in the kitchen, though!
Yadugiri: That's my grandmother's job. She likes to feed crowds. She's going to be disappointed if all the invitees don't turn up. Anyway, she's even capable of running a government. That's how good she is!
Bharathi then gave me what sounded like a lecture. He said: Yadugiri, I will give you some counsel (sounds like kaNva maharshi sending SakunthalA away to her husband's house--Arasi).
He said: Fidelity (kaRpu) is the most essential asset for a woman to possess. You should treasure it most. It does not mean that you have to be like a caged bird! But for your husband, all young men are your brothers. So, you don't have to be afraid and you don't need to avoid them.You don't have to be shy. You can talk to them. At first, you will feel shy with your husband but as you get to know him, you don't need to be. All the old rules about achcham, nANam and payirppu (fear, shyness and shunning ) make slaves of women. The women of this country need to be brave in order to give birth to courageous children. Cowardice has ruined India. Over the times, it has become worse.
Be brave in your husband's house! Do not eavesdrop. Don't read other people's letters. It's better to say to the elders how you feel than to bottle it all up. As much as possible, listen to what they say and do all that you can do. If you are not capable of doing what is asked of you, it's better to simply tell them that. You are not a commodity that they have bought in the market. You are there to light up their home and to bring forth a new generation of children. You should feel free in that house, but don't ask questions about money matters. Leave it to the elders.
Don't shun hard work but don't overdo. Whatever you do, do it willingly.
Don't give up your studies. Your parents have taught you important and ever-lasting values. If possible, improve on them. if not, don't forget what you already know.
I won't, like Iyer, teach you renunciation. We have come into this world to enjoy all that is given to us. You should also lead a life of service. You should shine like a lamp in both your families.
All this is not easy at first. But you will learn. Above all, do not agree to slavery. You have your rights, a bright mind and the freedom.
Walk with your head held high. Look around you and savor Nature. Look straight ahead. Your husband is the only one whom you may look at from the corner of your eyes. Other men are fathers, brothers and sons. Look them straight in the eye and speak clearly and with courage. Sit straight. All these show character. Be genuine. You don't need to put on an act.
Bharathi gave me a lot of advise that evening and I considered his words as words from the vEdAs. Whenever I was discouraged in my life, his words gave me strength. As years go by, I feel the need for sharing his words with other women.
Though Bharathi is no more, his message will stay with us.
* * * * *
UpadESam
(Counsel)
The moon had risen early. We were at the beach as usual. I had made friends with Padmavathi, the daughter of Sankara Chettiar (another wealthy man like Ponnu Murugesam Pillai in Puduvai--Editor's note). The group now consisted of my mother, Chellamma, my sister, Thangamma, Padmavathi, Meena and me. My father had chest pain that day and my mother stayed back. Bharathi and Iyer saw us as they were walking back from Arabindo's house. Iyer did not want to intrude on us but Bharathi came to speak to us. "Do you mind if I join you?", he asked.
Chellamma: All the children here are our children. Padmavathi too.
Bharathi: I don't see Yadugiri much these days. She seems to be absorbed in the girls circle, it seems.
Chellamma: Don't you know? She's getting married in Chitthirai (the month of April). Her parents are very keen. When Yadugiri goes to live with her in-laws, she cannot move with men freely. So, she's learning to be a docile young woman.
Bharathi: Has the date been fixed?
Yadugiri: I don't know, my grandmother is making all the arrangements. Amma says, 'but for Iyer and Bharathi, you shouldn't talk to any other men, now that you're getting married'.
Chellamma: Yadugiri has been brought up like a boy until now. It's going to be difficult for her to get adjusted to life in her new home. This way, she can get used to it, little by little.
Bharathi: Chellamma, she's still so young. Srinivasachari is an old-fashioned man. He wants to perform a doll's wedding of an innocent child!
Chellamma: SAstrAs say that brahmin girls should be married off by the age of nine.We wait longer these days because it's not easy to find the right match.
Bharathi: Chellamma, there is no end to traditions and SastrAs! Why don't you go ahead and arrange a marriage for Thangam--another meaningless doll's wedding?
Chellamma: My sister brought her up. She'll take care of it.
Bharathi: Yadugiri, you're going to find yourself in another world!
Chellamma: Why do you say that? She'll be back here every now and then.
Bharathi: Chellamma, after she gets married, I can't move freely with Yadugiri. I may need her husband's permission!
Chellamma: There's no need to be concerned about it now. She isn't even married!
Bharathi: Yadugiri is our adopted child. Still, If I go to her new home to see her, they might say, 'some vaDaman (Iyer) is here, and why should you talk to him?' Yadugiri, you have just known the one world you were brought up in. You're going to an entirely different one where they follow hundred year-old rules. Here, in our homes, we are free. That was why our families ended up here, leaving behind our home towns. It may take another thirty years before every family lives like ours. Until then, you have to go along with those traditions.
Chellamma: Don't frighten her. You sound as if she's being taken to a prison!
Bharathi: She does not know of the hurdles, stupid traditions and servitude that exist out there. Nowadays, in our caste, young couples may live on their own, it seems. It's not happening in the MaNDayam community.
Chellamma: I'm the only one who has come away from my family--it has been five years now.
Bharathi: It used to be so with us, Chllamma. Not any more! I noticed it in Tirunelveli yesterday. Joint family is not a strictly observed tradition now. Yadugiri, are you happy about this match?
Yadugiri: I don't know. Whatever Aiyya and Amma say. They will make the decision. Even with them, they follow what my grandmother says. What is there for me to say?
Bharathi: Have they found the boy? Have you seen him?
Yadugiri: I haven't seen anyone. We have letters from several families. Amma says one thing, pATTi another about these matches and AiyyA says to them, 'You two come to a decision and then let me know.' That's all I know.
Bharathi: This sounds like our marriage. The new trend is to get married to an educated woman. It appeals to the boys, it seems. Is it happening in your community at all?
Yadugiri: No, they haven't given up their old ways. Women are tutored at home. Just a few officials have started sending their girls to schools.
Bharathi: So, the wedding date is not far off. When the husband is by your side, everything else will fade away. Don't forget this poor father of yours, Yadugiri!
Yadugiri: Is it ever possible for me to forget you! What if you are poor! Your poetry is richer than anything else. Yesterday, Iyer said, 'why can't we call Bharathi kaviarasar (the king of poetry)? Bharathiyare, wealth is easily lost but your poetry will stay forever.
Bharathi: Yadugiri, If I have Sishyais like you, I don't even need to publish my poetry! You know all my songs by heart! Chellamma, on one of the days of Yadugiri's marriage celebrations, I want to sing a concert of patriotic songs. That's going to be our gift to her. When we see better times, we will buy her an unforgettable present!
Chellamma: Your heart is bigger than this ocean! When luck knocks at our door, we can give the best possible gift to Yadugiri!
Yadugiri: What can be a better gift than your singing at my wedding? On top of it, since Aiyya isn't feeling well at all these days, Iyer and you have to lend a hand in organizing the wedding. Hard work, I'm afraid!
Bharathi: You don't have to worry about that. We'd happily help. I know we won't be allowed in the kitchen, though!
Yadugiri: That's my grandmother's job. She likes to feed crowds. She's going to be disappointed if all the invitees don't turn up. Anyway, she's even capable of running a government. That's how good she is!
Bharathi then gave me what sounded like a lecture. He said: Yadugiri, I will give you some counsel (sounds like kaNva maharshi sending SakunthalA away to her husband's house--Arasi).
He said: Fidelity (kaRpu) is the most essential asset for a woman to possess. You should treasure it most. It does not mean that you have to be like a caged bird! But for your husband, all young men are your brothers. So, you don't have to be afraid and you don't need to avoid them.You don't have to be shy. You can talk to them. At first, you will feel shy with your husband but as you get to know him, you don't need to be. All the old rules about achcham, nANam and payirppu (fear, shyness and shunning ) make slaves of women. The women of this country need to be brave in order to give birth to courageous children. Cowardice has ruined India. Over the times, it has become worse.
Be brave in your husband's house! Do not eavesdrop. Don't read other people's letters. It's better to say to the elders how you feel than to bottle it all up. As much as possible, listen to what they say and do all that you can do. If you are not capable of doing what is asked of you, it's better to simply tell them that. You are not a commodity that they have bought in the market. You are there to light up their home and to bring forth a new generation of children. You should feel free in that house, but don't ask questions about money matters. Leave it to the elders.
Don't shun hard work but don't overdo. Whatever you do, do it willingly.
Don't give up your studies. Your parents have taught you important and ever-lasting values. If possible, improve on them. if not, don't forget what you already know.
I won't, like Iyer, teach you renunciation. We have come into this world to enjoy all that is given to us. You should also lead a life of service. You should shine like a lamp in both your families.
All this is not easy at first. But you will learn. Above all, do not agree to slavery. You have your rights, a bright mind and the freedom.
Walk with your head held high. Look around you and savor Nature. Look straight ahead. Your husband is the only one whom you may look at from the corner of your eyes. Other men are fathers, brothers and sons. Look them straight in the eye and speak clearly and with courage. Sit straight. All these show character. Be genuine. You don't need to put on an act.
Bharathi gave me a lot of advise that evening and I considered his words as words from the vEdAs. Whenever I was discouraged in my life, his words gave me strength. As years go by, I feel the need for sharing his words with other women.
Though Bharathi is no more, his message will stay with us.
* * * * *
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